Dating with kids in tow

You might think you are clear on your own expectations about the date itself and where it may lead you in the future, but have you considered what your date’s expectations may be, and more importantly, but often less considered - if you have children what expectations do they have?

Each child will have their own impressions of what their parent going on a date means to them, depending on their age, maturity and previous life experiences, and it certainly can’t hurt to discuss your child’s understanding before embarking on your first date with someone new.

I have a friend whose five year old son asked her new date if he was going to be his new Daddy, about three seconds after he rang the doorbell for the first time.

 

This kind of uncomfortable and embarrassing situation can be avoided if you explain things clearly to your kids ahead of time.

 

It can be helpful to introduce your new date as a special friend, this explains why you are all dressed up and excited about seeing them, and allows for future displays of affection that a stranger wouldn’t give or get from you.

It is important for young children to be reassured that their parents will always be their parents, no one can replace them. If your new date does eventually take on the role of step-parent, they will be creating a new role for themselves in your child’s life, not replacing anyone else.

 

First and foremost a new date or partner must form a friendship with your child, it is not fair on either of them for the role of a step-parent to be assumed before they have gotten to know each other well and formed a bond of genuine respect and affection.

 

What do you do if your kids don’t get along with your new date?

It can be all too easy to say that kids come first so dump the new date, or you come first and your kids will just have to deal with it, but things are rarely that black and white in real life.

 

Don’t try to force a relationship between them, allow them small visits together to get to know one another at their own pace, there is no reason why you can’t enjoy a relationship with someone that is largely separate from your family life, at least in the early stages.

 

This removes any unwanted expectation and pressure from both your date and your children and allows you to enjoy getting to know your date without having to be switched on as a parent the whole time.

 

Don’t be in too much of a hurry to recreate a traditional family unit for your kids either, moving a new partner into your home too early can be nothing short of disastrous for all concerned.

 

Remember that dating is supposed to be all about fun.